Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Crisp, Clean...and no Caffeine! Then hysteria.

I've been up to some serious business here at the Daily Item. You are all friends so I'll let you in on a little known national secret. Don't tell anyone though.

You know the economic crisis that we just we've been going through? You know how the stocks have all dropped drastically? Well a lot of that blame was on the credit and banking industry. Once that collapsed everything else snowballed. That's what CNN is saying anyway. Furthermore as our economy crashed so have the world markets.

Here on the Daily Item, I have the real reason why the stocks crashed and everything is snowballing.

I'm serious here so listen.

A while back I quit drinking caffeinated beverages. Listen, I'm not saying caffeinated beverages are all bad. They may work for you. I, however am a goldfish and will drink every and all caffeinated beverages I can find until my money is gone. That's why we don't have a VCR or DVD player anymore...I sold them for more caffeinated beverages. I used to have a Corvette...Gone...for caffeinated beverages. I stopped drinking them right before the markets crashed. I was spending a fortune on these drinks. I can't tell you how many I drank a day but let's assign this mathematical equation to it:

Cokem = atan2(sin(lat1) + sin(lat2), √((cos(lat1)+Bx)² + By²)).
That's an insane amount of money and caffeine.

Soon after quitting I began to receive calls from numerous companies...Coke, Pepsi, Mountain Dew etc...As it turns out my quitting caused a a stock slump of 22.07 3/4 on the NYSE the very first week. I'm not sure how they figured out it was me. It could have been from the free MP3's that you can get when you turn in a pop cap. Let's see I have 27000 MP3's and you get 1 free MP3 per every 10 pops you drinks, so that's...hmmm, let's see... Well you get the idea.

  1. I quit caffeinated beverages
  2. Loss of revenue causes Coke and Pepsi Stocks to drop dramatically
  3. Chain reaction in other stocks causes them to drop
  4. Global Markets Plummet.
  5. Hysteria
Simple really.

Little did I know that our National and even Global economy were linked to the all powerful Coca Cola and Pepsi Companies (who knew?) And finally I had no idea that stopping cold turkey on these products would eventually lead to Global mass hysteria. I'm sorry so let me just say...my bad.

I feel bad about the economy and all. It's crummy that I had something to do with it. But you know I feel so much more healthy now.

I've included pictures showing me before and after my addiction.





Roo Roo's Corner said...

Those are interesting pictures:0
Way to go on the caffinated drinks:) Your calm spirit is very attractive and shows through!

Jessumca said...

Dad! you are hilarious. i loved the pictures.

Jessumca said...

also great job on no caffeine! you are a great role model.. i just hope you don't get translated now.

Allison said...

I wonder what would happen to the markets if I quit drinking caffeinated beverages of the cold variety. Yikes, and we think it's bad now. . . maybe I'll let the markets rebound a little bit before I make that commitment. Seriously, thanks for being a good example for quitting caffeine, neighbor.

wendy said...

Your National Secret is safe with us!!! We wouldn't dare say a word that we know the actual person who started all of this. Way to simma down!!

Loss of Revenue from one cold turkey...millions.
The enconomy...Hysteria.
One healthy fun lovin guy....

David said...

I cannot believe you used that first picture of me. I thought that picture was just between you and me. Just you and me! I sent that to you for, you know, us. May you always have a budda belly. I love you most!