Thursday, May 28, 2009

Random Madness: Pimping

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Memorial Weekend Visit to Tucson

This week I'm in Tucson Arizona.  Mine has been the good fortune to have a wealthy friend who enjoys my company enough to fly me down to Tucson for 4 days every couple of years or so.  
Why does he invite me down here to Tucson every couple of years?  

I think I have it figured out.  

Dave and I weigh roughly the same amount.  I look heavier though and one thing a good friend likes is a good friend that weighs more (or looks like) than you do.  That's where I come in and I'm OK with it. -Shrug.

So Dave gets to look thinner for four days and I get to enjoy the heck out of Tucson.  Sounds like a fair trade doesn't it??

Me eating bacon on the USS Fat Guy.

Tucson at night (borrowed from google images)
Downtown Tucson with Mount Lemmon in the background.

The portly brothers in a heinous digital image.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Burping Champ of this Planet

And now, from the unique gifts and talents folder...

To: All of my dear friends who eat Adams Peanut Butter

I recently happened across this letter sent to Mr. Charles Adams, President of the Adams Peanut Butter Company from an upset customer. I thought it was worthy to rep

licate here at The Daily Item. Enjoy!

Mr. Charles Adams, President
Adams Peanut Butter

Dear Mr. Adams

On the recommendation of a trusted friend, I recently purchased a jar of your peanut butter from my local Safeway store. I was told that it was made of natural ingredients, and that it contained no preservatives. The listing of nutritional content on the label appears to bear this out.

This was quite an important decision for me, Mr. Adams, because I am not a wealthy person. I’m quite poor, in fact, having been unable to secure steady employment for the past three years. At the same time, however, I am interested in obtaining only the most healthful food products for my family and myself, and your brand of peanut butter costs considerably more than the Safeway house brand that I usually purchase. I am accustomed to paying $3.27 for a large jar of peanut butter, and yours is priced at $4.88.

In light of my financial position, I struggled for several days with the decision to commit to such a significant monetary outlay. In fact, I had gone so far as to advise my small, and severely disabled son Timmy (he has thing on his toe that is absolutely horrible, trust me) of my decision to invest in the house brand, when his pleas of “no, Mommy, no. Don’t hate me like this, Mommy” caused me to reconsider. I bought the Adams brand peanut butter, and advised Timmy that his Cheerios serving would be slightly smaller each morning, until we had recovered the extra $1.61 it took to secure this purchase.

This letter, Mr. Adams, is to advise you of my extreme disappointment with my purchase. The taste is bland, the texture is grainy, and there is an oily presence that cannot be healthful. My Timmy will no longer eat his sandwiches. Instead, he cries “Mommy, why do you hate me?” Recently, as his useless toe drags behind him, it appears to be leaving marks on the carpet.

In light of your failure to meet my expectations, Mr. Adams, and because I now have an unusable jar of peanut butter, not to mention that I have been thrown into unrecoverable debt, it is my feeling that some compensation from your company is owed to me and my family. I feel that a full pallette of 1,440 large jars of Adams Peanut Butter delivered COD to my household may be adequate to assuage the pain my Timmy and I have suffered.

In fact, here's an idea. Send me the cash equivalent of $7,027.20 (1,440 x $4.88), and I will purchase them myself. Then you save the shipping charges. Please confirm your compliance by return e-mail.

Yours truly,
Cooperina Green

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Nyquil Dream: Part 5

October 15th 2008:
Found myself in a small European town where everyone had the same red color roofs on their houses. Met up with a bunch of little guys. Sold them all Amway. Took this group picture.

Woke up in a cold sweat!! Did I really sell someone Amway?? No more Nyquil!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Serious Gamer Cheat Code

True Story: Eversnug

Hello My Friends,

Brent Hope here.
Everyone knows or remembers Max Hunter don't they? Well if you don't, Max is a very good friend of mine that served an LDS mission to Tacoma Washington(Cambodian speaking) several years ago. From inspiration, Max and former mission companion Tanner Ellsworth developed and patented a very smart bed linen product that fits snugly on your bed and eliminates the bottom bed sheet from popping up and becoming loose. I have had a set of their sheets on my bed for several months now and Ruth and I couldn't be more happier!! Many of you can attest to Ruth's strong background with the sewing machine and her seamstress abilities to design and make clothes. She says that these sheets are fantastic. Ruth has been used to provide quality feedback to Eversnug.

These sheets have been the solution for sloppy loose sheets that always pop up in the night while I'm sleeping.

As my friends, you know that I've never tried to sell anything to anyone of you. Here I make a logical exception. The sheets are made of 100% cotton satin-quality 436-count fabric. They are the real deal, the genuine article if you will. I would encourage you to take a look at their website and order a set of sheets for your bed:

This product is 100% invented by Max and Tanner.

Max and Tanner have these sheets made in Cambodia largely by LDS members there. Everyone involved with Eversnug is a quality individual. In addition to these sheets being a fabulous product these sheets also provide a good living for the LDS members back in their native Cambodia.

These sheets are not generic sheets made with an American name plate on them. These sheets have been engineered by Max and Tanner and the sheets are built to specifications by Eversnug employees in Cambodia. Max and Tanner are the owners of Eversnug.

For the next couple of weeks you can take advantage of the "pre opening" of Eversnug and order sheets at a discounted rate.

I am absolutely not fooling. I guarantee that you will love these sheets.

If you want to see the sheets, come on over to our house and we'll show them to you first hand!

If you have any question drop me a line.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Seminary Graduate

Sunday Evening Brent officially graduated from Seminary. No more early mornings dragging himself to Seminary!! He was one of 4 that graduated from the Hailey 2nd Ward.
Earlier in the day Brent taught the lesson in Elders Quorum and did a fantastic job. I would definitely say that he has a teaching talent.

High School graduation is set to take place May 27th. Look here for more pictures in a week or so!

Nice job Brent!

Brent and Brent
Koby Yates, Curt Yates, Brent Hope, Kaylie Touissnat, Bishop Larry Green

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Maniac Monday

Hello My Dear Friends,

I'd like to start todays post with a thought that means a little something to me.

"When I die, I'd like to go peacefully in my sleep like Grandpa; Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car."
by Jack Handey

As you read the above quote correlate that with my below post.

Monday morning started like any other day for me. I perform the following steps like clockwork:
  1. Hit "snooze" on the alarm multiple times before getting out of bed.
  2. Shower.
  3. Dress.
  4. Greet Ruth in the kitchen.
  5. Take my glucosamine pills ( 3 horse pills) one at a time with water.
  6. Say family prayer
  7. Kiss Ruth
  8. Go to Work.
This Monday was slightly different however. I had been working an outage on the phone from the minute I woke up and instead of taking my glucosamine pills one at a time I took them all at once. These particular glucosamine pills are huge horse-pill type gel-caps (see exhibit A). They are black and sticky. The thought occurred to me that I shouldn't take them all at once but I did anyway.

Exhibit A

Halfway to work I could feel that that the pills had become lodged way down deep in my esophagus (see exhibit B). This was painful so I took a hard swig of my bottled water.

Exhibit B

(Side Note: Have you ever taken a drink so fast that it was very painful in your esophagus? The kind of pain that makes you shut one eye and grimace in pain? Well me too!)

Just as I took the hard swig of water I experienced the hard pain in the esophagus (as previously explained) and THAT pain on top of the pain that I was already feeling from the horse pills sent a distress signal to my brain that said: PREPARE FOR SHUTDOWN!!

Now I'm driving 55 miles an hour when it occurred to me that I was about to feint! Not Cool! Through blurred vision I can vaguely make out a place to safely pull the car off of the road.

Then the bizarre happened:

I woke up.

Waking up from the most peaceful sleep I've ever had I wondered why cars were driving directly at me. Peering through squinted sleepy eyes I racked it up to a crazy dream. I shut my eyes again, "Ahhhh back to sleep," man was I comfy!!
Then this little voice says, "This isn't a dream!!"
I open my eyes a little wider this time and discover that I am in my car (what a strange place to sleep) and I am in the wrong lane of traffic, stopped and cars are headed toward me. I look in my rear-view mirror and I can see cars approaching from behind me. Quickly, I drive across the road and into a nearby turnoff. I put the car in "park" and began unraveling in my mind what had just happened to me.

I had forgotten everything and my first thought was that I had fallen asleep at the wheel. Then slowly I remembered that the last thing I was thinking while driving was that I was going to feint! Oh my goodness the realization of what had happened hit me like a ton of bricks.

I just feinted while driving my company car!!

More than that, I had feinted while driving 55 miles an hour and stopped precisely in the opposite lane with out injuring myself or anyone else! I marveled that I had been so protected! Just then my phone rang again and I found myself back working on the outage that I had been working on before.

I put the car in drive and made my way to work....slowly.

I alerted my manager of the event that I had just been through. He was quite concerned. Of course major companies don't like it when you pass out while operating one of their company cars so I was escorted to the emergency room at the local hospital.

Everything ended happily. The ER (while they didn't believe me at first, they were sure I had a seizure or heart attack or something) cleared me and bestowed paperwork on me that indicated that I was in perfect health (well...minus being overweight). I had to visit my personal doctor the next day to get my driving privileges restored, which they were. My personal doctor wants my esophagus looked at by a specialist. I agreed.

In retrospect I can see that I shouldn't have tried to eat all those horse-pills at once.

That will be my message of wisdom to you.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Random Madness: For My Daughter Amber...W/Love

Idaho Skateboarding

Y'all haven't seen anything until you come to Hailey Idaho and watch the locals take a bucking bronco through the half-pipe. Eat your heart out Tony Hawk!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Today's Rant: The M-Word and T-Word

Howdy folks.

It is very discouraging for me to have to talk about the subject of today's rant. I have waited and waited patiently but apparently the problem will not just "go-away" so I have to address this issue and make it public.

What gives with all of the electronics companies and the remote controls that they manufacture?? Specifically I'm talking about the rotten, careless, stinking button that exists on EVERYBODY'S remote control: The Mute Button (shiver- I hate to even use the word). Do we not as a society care a smidgen about anyone anymore??? Do you have any idea how bad the usage of this word offends my friend that cannot speak, he is often called a "MUTE" (shiver- I hate to even use the M-word).

I am certain that my "Silent-American" friends all over this once great country feel horrible every time they pick up a remote control to SILENCE the volume on their electronic devices and instead see "Mute" (shiver-) on the assigned button glaring back up at them. My "Silent-American" friends look at the remote control and can plainly see how the M-word (as I call it) glares up at them from the assigned button and mocks them, "You're mute, nanny nanny, ha ha!"

How downright despicable and cruel!!

I'm ashamed. I'm so mad at this country and how stupid Americans are that we allow this tragedy to continue day in and day out!! I've contacted Sen Maria Cantwell (D) and she's taking my fight to Washington DC!

Nothing could possibly be more important!!

The Solution:

Like France and other European countries (that are smarter than us) that are already doing this I am calling for all Americans to stop using the "M-Word" and demand that electronics companies start labeling their remotes with the word "Silence" instead of M***.

This will no doubt restore dignity to my good speechless "Silent-American" friends.

Hold on a minute, I've got to take this call....
"Do I have any speechless friends you ask?"
"Do I actually know any speechless people?"
"Well, no, not really..."
"I saw one once!"
"But if I did know a real "Silent-American" person, I know that they would be offended and this is the only way to restore dignity!"

Everyone...please join me in refraining from using the "M-Word." We are better than that.

Last thing:

Looking at the picture of the remote control, do you see the "Timer" button?
Is that button offensive to anyone else?
Do you have any idea how many youngsters call me old "Timer?"

People...I know you wouldn't want to be called the "T-Word."

Something to think about!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Chicken in a Can: FAIL

Mmmmm...Canned Chicken!

Sorry to do this to you folks.
I wasn't going to be the ONLY one grossed out today!