Monday, July 27, 2009

Colon Blow: Or how I survived my first colonoscopy!

Howdy Folks. Brent Hope here.

Just a quick post to let everyone know that the procedure has been completed and I'm doing well. Official test results won't be in for a day or two, but I suspect all is well.

Let's Recap:

First I showed up at the hospital and gave them every bit of identification I had so as to ensure that I would be able to pay for this procedure should my insurance not cover it.

Leaving the registration desk I began to relax thinking to myself, "I'm finally going to get this done." I've had to practice all week not to"think too much" about this procedure or I knew I'd reschedule again (I rescheduled 3 times).

Finally at ease I walked into the surgery area ready to go when I was greeted by a nurse. Dang!!! It was Sister Lisa Stevens from the Hailey 2nd Ward!!!

Blast!! That was MY WARD!! I attenuated my awkwardness.

She had a slight grin on her face that she was trying to conceal.

"Fetch (Mormon cussing), " I thought.

Sensing my uneasiness she had fun asking me questions.

"So Brother Hope, are you looking forward to your "procedure." she said, fully articulating the three syllables in pro-ce-dure.

"Double Fetch (Severe Mormon cussing), I thought again. I could say nothing. I just gave her a pinched look and nodded.

She pointed to the half-curtained room I was to report to.

"Have fun!" She whimmed.

With closed eyes and head wagging back and forth, I lumbered to my room.

(This could be my doctor with the fishtape. I don't know though because I slept through the whole procedure)

Once in my room I slipped into the hospital gown that was 2 sizes too small.

I thought to myself, "I look way too fat in this gown!"

Panicked, I searched and found a stainless steel implement to look into to see my reflection while wearing the gown. And indeed, as I suspected the gown made me "look fat." Looking in the implement with squinted eyes, I tried to straighten the front of the gown with my hand while sucking my tummy in. No luck.

Fetch! My head wagged again.

I laid down on the gurney and two different nurses came in and checked my vitals. One nurse had to give me the "look-over" before saying anything. She looked me over from the top of my head, down to my toes with her eyes finally resting on my mid-section which was covered by a flowered gown that was too small.

She flashed a disagreeing look that caught my eyes.

She didn't say it but I knew she thought I looked fat in the gown.

"Guilty," I thought in the gayest voice I could imagine.

So with low self esteem and self image I laid partially naked on a table and made nervous chit-chat through a trembling and clenched jaw with professionals that I didn't know talking about fishing and elk hunting and if I ever experience bloody stools.

"NO!!" I said defensively to the bloody stool question.

My troubles would soon be over.

Within minutes I had an I.V. hooked into my right arm. I looked in front of me and saw a herringbone pattern on the wall that I hadn't seen before. I blinked hard and right after that I saw a Blue Dog wearing a tie and fedora (Huckleberry Hound????) walking from left to right where the herringbone image had been. My mind wandered as I imagined myself on a bigwheel and then a coin operated golden horse outside a grocery store.

I tapped the nurse on the elbow.

"Uh, what's in the I.V." I said with a goofy smile.

She said, "sodium, water and nitrewsdf........."

I was out.
(picture of a colon)

The next thing I remember was being all dressed and mumbling something to my wife. She had a smile on her face as if I was saying something funny to her.

"Sccchhhttop your laughing," I blurted.

The procedure was finished and I didn't even feel a thing or I don't remember a thing. Either way it was better than I thought it would be. Er...because of the sleep part that is.

They wheeled me out of the hospital in a wheelchair ( I have no idea how I got into the chair) and soon I was home.

I spent the rest of the weekend drifting in and out of sleep with a sodium, water and nitrewsdf......hang over.

(me trying to stay awake)

Later that night I saw Sister Lisa Stevens at the Ward Picnic (24th of July Celebration). We looked oddly at each other without saying a word. Kind of like that odd, "old girlfriend" feeling.
I don't think our relationship will ever be the same.

"Fetch" I thought.

Test results will be soon.


wendy said...

oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh my goodness!!!!!!! That was the most hilarious thing i have read in forever. I have tears!! I had to stop and wipe them so I could continue. Way to multi-task and bond with someone in the ward while taking care of fetching business. I am glad you survived your golden horsey ride!!!

Jessumca said...

I love your story. makes me want to get one! (just kidding) my favorite part was thinking "guilty" in the gayest voice ever.

Amber Hope said...

well i am glad all went well. great story. i laughed at the part as you were waking up and mumbling something to mom that made her smile. :)

Roo Roo's Corner said...

You came through like a champ!

Jeremy said...