Monday, July 21, 2008

My New Best Friend

Sun Valley has one fast food joint. So, when I left here to go to a family reunion in Orem Utah last Friday night, my son and I drove 100 miles to the nearest "Carl's Jr." We both ordered the "Prime Rib Burger."

The burger was as good as I had anticipated but it soon became apparent that my burger was never going to leave my body on it's own. This burger was making plans to stick around for a while. I didn't realize it at the time.

24 Hours later we were happily eating hamburgers again, this time at the family reunion. Not only a hamburger but my daughter Penny's hamburger and a couple of hot dogs. Oh yeah and some pumpkin desert things.

About 30 minutes later is hit me. Shortness of breath, hot sweats, cold sweats, staggering gait (remember Fred Sanford? Just like that...) My stomach was in a huge knot. My thoughts raced within my head...what was happening? Then I remembered the Prime Rib Burger. It must be lodged up in my body somewhere, this new food has no where to go.... Rats!! This was full blown constipation. Daaannnnggggg!!!

This scenario wasn't totally bad if I had been at home where I could lay down but I wasn't. By this time I was at the University Mall with my son Brent shopping for what else, shoes. After floundering around the mall in great pain and grief I finally motioned for him to go on without me. I sat down exhausted next some Makeup Kiosk. I suspect they were irritated with the exaggerated look of agony on my face and my overall demeanor as I noticed customers starting to move away from the area. The look of scorn adorned several of their faces as they told their children not to look at me. I couldn't speak but with one flailing arm I mouthed the words, "Don't judge me" towards them.

In desperation I called my chiropractor (Dave Heaton) ... I'm not sure why I thought a chiropractor could help me, perhaps inspiration. Kindly, Doctor Heaton not only empathized with me but provided a quick solution to my problem.

Dave told me to go to the nearest Walgreen's and pick up a laxative called "Magnesium Citrate." He said that for some reason Walgreen's always has this bottle located at the very bottom of the shelf next to the floor; which was a nasty thing to do to someone who was constipated. Dave also told me that my problem would be history in 1 hour, 2 tops.

I entered the Walgreen's at 8th South in Orem and sure enough...that's exactly where it was. The bottom shelf. Without bending my torso I got down on to both knees and fumbled around for this generic sinister looking bottle. There were three flavors: Original, Cherry and Grape. Perplexed I petitioned my son to help me with the choice of flavors. "Grape" he said in his lower than normal teenage voice.
There was a question in my mind to what the exact dose should be and I couldn't discern it exactly on the label. I elected to drink the entire 10 ounces. Which I learned later in some cases is normal.

This stuff was nasty...yet compelling. It tasted like all of the sour patch kids candy in the whole world was liquidated into this lone 10 ounce bottle. So, tart is an incredible understatement.

I had a planned engagement at a friends house within minutes to play guitar. We drove to his home and knocked on the door. He answered and said come in. Pulling my son back by the arm I told my friend that I had just drank a whole bottle of laxative and perhaps he didn't want me in his house. There was a pause. "Come on, get in here!" he said. We entered the dwelling.

We played guitar for about an hour and a half and I noticed improvements in my bloated demeanor. As we waived goodbye I wondered how long it would take this "magnesium citrate" to work it's magic.

The first mad stomach gurgle began as we hit 8th South on State in Orem heading northbound to Lindon. I thought to myself, "great it's beginning to work, perhaps in an hour or so I'll be golden." Within 30 seconds the second gurgle hit. It felt like someone turned my spleen inside out.

A long digusting involuntary moan escapes from my mouth.
Wildly and smiling my son says, "How much longer till you have to go to the bathroom Dad?"

"3 minutes tops." I calculate.

"How far away are we from Grandma's house?" He said.

"8 minutes!"

Evil laughter from my son at this point.
With all the self mastery I can muster I make it to grandma's house and dash in hoping that no one is busy in the bathroom.
I make it just barely, then it happened! Slight terror followed by instant relief! Followed by a little more terror.

I will spare you the rest of the heinous details. Just know that after several more trips to grandma's bathroom and a few more since returning home. I have been relieved completely from the awful condition that had me bound.
Thanks Doctor Heaton.
Magnesium Citrate = A good Friend!


Lewis Family said...

Light a match.
Oh ya, and screw you Hope.

Becka said...

Oh my! Oh my! That one had me laughing so hard that I had to run to the bathroom to (uummm... urinate?) Well, I think we can all sleep better tonight knowing that our beloved uncle Brent's tummy is feeling better.

I love you!

jessie said...

I was laughing at this. It was a quiet laugh out loud to myself since no one was around, but in my mind i was laughing hard.

jeremy said...

Blogs about diarrea...I love it. I've been laughing about this for days!

Jeremy the Ames said...

I like how one of the flavors was "original." You should always pick cherry, though.

You have to admit, constipation can be great inspiration for really bad guitar/singing improvisation.

Sarah Hope :] said...

did someone fart?